I want to be better.

Let me preface this too-serious post with some fun first. I've been having way too much fun with the Face In Hole app. Especially with the dogs. I'm so easily amused.













Best 99 cents I've ever spent. Try it, I bet you will be addicted, too!

Now on to the more serious subject matter. It's been a fairly mild winter here (yay, Nashville!), but I think I am just prone to the winter "blahs", Seasonal Affective Disorder, cabin fever, or whatever you want to call it.

My life is just fine. Not too stressful (other than Josh being so busy with school stuff), no huge responsibilities, no kids, no money issues other than having to tighten up the budget a bit until Josh graduates next spring. Heck, no car issues anymore. What I am trying to say is I have absolutely no reason to feel anything other than happy 24/7.

But I don't. I've been having wild mood swings this week, going from being a Joyful Jokester to a Debbie Downer in about 2 seconds flat. I've got a full social schedule (baby showers galore, neighborhood fun, hosting a Pampered Chef party) but nothing that is not enjoyable or presses me for time. Still, I feel overwhelmed somehow.

Right now, I am feeling like I can't do anything right. And when I don't feel like I can do things right, I don't want to do them at all. I rarely cook anymore, and Josh knows better than to ask me what's for dinner. Clean landry is everywhere, waiting for me to fold it. I refuse. Reading material is piling up but I can't seem to sit still long enough to read it. I honestly don't know what I do with my free time. I guess I just flit from one thing to the next, never really completing anything, and it makes me really frustrated with myself. Which then makes me feel bad. Which then makes me sad.

I've really gotten away from doing the things I love to do and the things that ground me and keep me sane. I haven't been to yoga in way too long, and I'm done making excuses, so I am going tonight. I can't wait to melt into my mat and finally relax. Hopefully it will help these constant headaches I've been having, not to mention jaw pain. I am unsure if I have a cavity, or if my jaw is just always clenched. I will probably cry at yoga, but it will be such a release. I've got to get back to me.

Spring (and more sunshine) can't come soon enough. And hugs. I need more hugs in my life.

4th of July weekend...

...It started with a bang and ended with a whimper!

Saturday morning we got up and headed to the gym to tackle back to back classes - Zumba and Total Body (weights). This was our second time doing these consecutively on a Saturday and I hope we continue to do it. I'm not a cardio person and I'm also not a coordinated person, so you may be asking why I do Zumba. The answer is because as awful as I am at it, I can always look around the room and see people doing worse than I. So it's comforting... plus, I need the cardio. ;) As for Total Body, I really enjoy it, even though the chest excercises kill me and I tend to lean to one side all the time. My right arm is just not as strong as my left, it appears.

I was also excited to burn all those calories so we could try out the new restaurant that opened at the end of our street.



It used to be called "Maisie's" and there are still remnants of it's "Maisie's" days around...



It had been empty for a couple of years now, and every time I drove by, I would sigh. I would love to run a little place like this. Maybe someday? Who knows.

We had to wait a while to order and eat, because when the owner came in that morning, nothing was working, and this was only their 3rd day of being open! So, things were backed up a little, but we got to meet and talk with a fellow neighbor, so that was nice. Plus, Josh was happy with his sweet tea that was served in a canning jar.



I meant to take more pictures, but I guess I forgot. I had biscuits with chocolate gravy and bacon. (See why we went to the gym first?) It was delicious.

I think the rest of our Saturday was pretty low-key.

Sunday, we were still lazy. My back (kidney area - hoping it's not stones) has been hurting me the last few days and I was just not feeling totally myself. In the afternoon we went to Tim and Meredith's for a cookout. Once again, I failed with the picture taking. This was the only one I took. I just thought it was cute to see the back of their house reflected in my sunglasses.



I put two cheesebugers and an ear of corn in my belly, and then left to go to an appointment I had with a... I don't know what the word is. Spiritual advisor? Counselor? I'm not sure what to call her, really. I've struggled with anxiety and insomnia for nearly 12 years and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've tried throwing pills at it, and regular old therapy, but yoga has triggered something in me that made me feel like I should try a more spiritual route. That's kind of tricky, because I don't really pigeonhole myself into one category when it comes to religion. I'm open to everything, and I strongly believe in God. I just think there are a lot of paths to the Source, and I'm trying to find the best one for me.

So this was my first, and possibly only meeting with this person. Not that it wasn't helpful, because it was. She put a different frame on some situations for me, so I could look at them differently, and encouraged me to talk more with God and listen to Him more. It was very helpful and I think what I needed to guide me into whatever I do next. It's difficult because I feel like I know everything I need to know to "fix" it, but I am just unsure of how to go about implementing it. Next I may try a massage therapy session that is supposed to balance my chakras, and also accupuncture. As ridiculous as this may sound, I also bought some guided meditation apps for my phone, and that has been helping with my nighttime anxiety and sleeplessness.

Okay, so that was all a little too personal, but there it is.

Saturday evening I caught up on some reading and TV with my beloved beside me. Lounging in bed with books, tv and/or each other happens too rarely these days!

Yesterday, I woke up sick to my stomach and was sick all darn day. We cleaned the house and then I took a nap and managed to go to the store later in the day, but much of the day was spent in bed, watching a Twilight Zone marathon on the SyFy channel.



We were invited to a couple of 4th of July events, and I gave Josh my blessing to go ahead and go without me, but he opted to stay home, and I have to say I was secretly happy with that. He had a 3 day break from classes and homework and it was nice to feel "normal" and go to bed at the same time and watch some junk tv together.

I'm not feeling 100% yet, and my back is still bothering me, but here I am. Grateful for the short work week and counting down until my next nap!

Pilates tonight!

The Ghosts of Christmas Present

Oh, it hurts to write this post, because to do so is admitting to failure.

I do not have it together this Holiday Season.

Due to the hubbin's school and study schedule, and the fact that I should stay far, far away from ladders and electricity, this is the closest we're going to get to having Xmas lights on our house this year. Not even any on the tree, because it's aluminum. To say I feel a bit cheated is an understatement, but it's pointless to put them up now and just take them down in a week.



My baking is so far off schedule it's not even funny. Due to many factors, our Christmas gatherings are scattered in most places, and non-existent in others. Yesterday I was supposed to have had round one (of three) of my baking done. Today it was all supposed to be mailed up north to my side of the family. Do you think any of that happened? No. Know why? Two words: Flip Cup.

Long story short, there was a party at my Brother and Sister in law's on Saturday night (perhaps more on that in a later post). It was the kind of party that requires a week of recovery (they really should have put that on the invite! haha) so needless to say, yesterday I didn't do much aside from shuffle to the kitchen every couple of minutes to refill my water glass. So I will be baking my you-know-what off tonight, on a "school night", and then crossing my fingers and praying that the Bipster will actually go mail it all tomorrow morning so it gets there in time. I've already crossed myself multiple times today (and I'm not even Catholic) while praying he will actually go to the store today... I mean we're talking emergency level grocery store trip. You know, when you're down to your last roll of toilet paper kind of shopping and you need three pounds of butter RIGHT FLIPPIN NOW OR THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A CHRISTMAS?! That's what needs to happen right quick.

Last I talked to him he was watching a movie and sounding like he was about to nap and reminding me that he's on 'vacation'. This should be really interesting.


Once round one of baking is made and shipped, then we have the actual main event - Christmas. Christmas Eve I plan to cook a nice dinner (a roast chicken, potatoes, etc), and I don't know if there will just be the two of us or more because I can't really seem to get a for-sure answer out of anyone.

Christmas Day we're having Tim and Meredith over for Xmas breakfast. That has been the easiest thing to plan, by far. This is how it went:

Me: "Hey, do you guys want to come over for breakfast Christmas morning?"

Meredith: "yes!"

That's how you do it, people. A yes or no. That's all I need.

The day after Christmas, I will be doing my baking all over again to give to Josh's family (mom, siblings) on the 28th when we get together with them.

We're not seeing his dad and family until New Years Day, so I will be baking again on New Year's Eve (or day, depending on what time we're getting together).

Since I will be doing this multiple times this year, I've opted to bypass any 'fancy' recipes and stick to the simplest things in my repertoire. No-Bake cookies (no baking!), 3 ingredient peanut butter cookies, beer bread (4 ingredients), and fudge. Perhaps not the most festive of menus, but if I have to make it all 3 times, I need to make it easy on myself. I'm a little sad that I am not doing anything more impressive than that, but oh freaking well.

Next year I will have it together a little better. If not... I will be blogging from a lunatic asylum... if they let me have internet access.

Cute stuff:

Rough morning already!

Last night, I finished sorting through all of my books. These are the 'keep' piles...

I am very proud of myself, though, because I am getting rid of three large boxes of books! Really hard to do when you're a book lover, but I did have some I felt indifferent about, so I chucked 'em. Can't wait to get shelving and everything in there... it's going to be a glorious little library once finished.

This morning has not been the best morning. I was woken up at 3:30 by a funny sound. It sounded like Jorge trying to get out of the baby gate (the dogs sleep in the laundry room now. Julio adjusted wonderfully, but Jorge is a bit more willful and rebellious about it). I tried to go back to sleep, but next thing I know, I heard the click-clack of dog toenails by the side of my bed. Jorge had escaped. Then Julio started crying. It was kind of windy out, so I thought maybe Jorge was worried about a storm and that had set him off. I let them outside to pee, then made them go back to bed, and blocked the gate with some chairs to keep them contained. I don't understand why Jorge would rather waste his time and energy rebelling when he could be sleeping! They have beds, toys, water in there. It's hardly prison conditions, and it's only at bedtime!

I woke Josh up and asked if he could go roll up my car windows in case it rained. I have been keeping them down a crack at all times these last few days because the floors on the passenger side of my car are SOAKED. Somehow, my front passenger window was open just a fraction of an inch during the storms over the weekend (not sure if it was my fault or Josh's - he was the last one in it). It normally wouldn't be a big deal, but because of the amount of rain we got, it kind of is a big deal. The back especially. I don't want things to get moldy and stinky, so leaving the windows cracked all the time until it dries out is my best bet.

We went back to bed and I couldn't sleep. I told the Bip I was going out on the couch, usually flipping channels and a change of scenery helps me. He asked if he could join me. So there we were, one at each end of the couch, except he likes to keep his knees bent when he sleeps, so his legs were over me. It was comical, and not comfortable, either. Josh also took a benadryl because he was feeling lousy (allergies, asthma and mowing grass aren't a good combination). So, back to the bed we went. He fell asleep right away, but I couldn't. I had all this stuff running through my head - things left to do to get ready for the yard sale, the fact that I'm way overdue for a checkup with my lady parts doctor.... and then I started worrying about that. What if I can't get pregnant... I mean, I'm almost 34. And then I was worried about the medication I take to sleep. It's not pregnancy safe, and I've tried going back to Unisom (which is pregnancy safe) but it really doesn't work and it makes my arms feel all prickly and then I get anxious, which does not help with the insomnia. And then I started thinking about how last time I took prenatal vitamins, I got kidney stones from it. All the calcium I guess. And I am sure I could take a modified vitamin, or just Folic Acid, but instead I thought "WHAT IF I GET KIDNEY STONES WHILE I'M PREGNANT?" It would be so horrible. They couldn't really give me pain pills or do any procedures for it, I wouldn't think, and sitting at a desk 8 hours a day with Kidney Stones? That's probably what hell is. So then I started crying and having a panic attack and I woke up the Bip to comfort me, and I had to take Ativan to calm myself down (also not pregnancy safe), and I was finally able to fall back to sleep about 10 minutes before the alarm went off. Grrrr.

So I got up and decided I was going to bring some Zen into my day because it was off to a bad start already. I went out to the garden to look at my veggies and soak in some peace. Then I noticed one of my broccoli plants was looking kind of rough... I inspected further and noticed that the stem on a couple of the leaves looked funny. Oh, jeez, that's because there are CATERPILLARS ON THEM that identically match the plant.... just munchin away on my broccoli leaves! I started ripping them of and flinging them across the yard. So much for my Zen. I did do some reading on it today, and birds like to eat those evil little creatures, so we're lucky that we have a LOT of birds in our yard. I am counting on them to save my broccoli!

Then I drove to work and traffic sucked and now here I am. My problems are very small (nonexistent, really) considering what so many others in the area are going through, and I know that, but still, it felt good to write them down and get it out. I did make a doctor's appointment for June 9th, so I am looking forward to at least getting some questions out of the way with that.

Onward and upward! Looking so forward to this yard sale, and then the one we'll do in Ohio next month. I can't wait to get rid of stuff.