Monday, June 10, 2013

It hurts.

Mercy. What a whirlwind.

Roommate is moved in and that is going well. I think, anyway. She seems happy. I'm happy. The baby seems happy. The dogs are getting used to it. Pablo is OVERJOYED, he loves that baby.

But you know me, I can't stay on an even keel for very long. Perhaps it's just a hormonal thing if you catch my drift, but I CAN'T STOP CRYING these days. My headaches are worse. I'm always tired. My body is worn out because my mind is in overdrive.

I apparently don't know how NOT to complicate life. Usually procrastination... um, "creative avoidance" is what does me in, but lately... it's everything. I start a million projects and finish none. I can get laundry washed and dried... even folded. But put away? Oh, that's funny. Never got around to getting my garden tilled, but had already bought plants and they were blooming, so I just had to get them in the damn ground. It's not pretty, but it'll do. I'm eating like crap (not helping with the headaches, I am sure), and did I mention I can't stop crying? What's up with that?

Guess this last breakup has thrown me for a bigger loop than I want to admit. I'm staring down the barrel of 37... it's just over a month away. Dealing with the idea of NEVER having kids is not an easy one for me to take. Especially now that I live with one and he's freaking great (and I loved my ex-bf's kids, too. They were 11 and 16, so it's not just babies I am after). But speaking of babies, EVERYONE in the universe is pregnant except for me, it seems.

I just came across this photo and it hurt my heart because it's how I've always pictured my future rugrats - with my messy bedhead and brown eyes. And love of dairy.

And dude from October... I thought we might be rekindling, but I have ZERO idea what is going through his head, and I honestly sometimes wonder why I care (also I have been a raging you-know-what to him just because he's not a mind-reader. Totally fair, right? In any case, I think I've ruined the potential to re-kindle). Maybe I am just trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I really did like him and I want to see if it would work. Maybe I just need the distraction so I don't think about the person my heart is really hurting for, so I don't think about the future I assumed I would have that I am probably NOT going to have.

The other night I sat in my room and turned the lights off and sobbed. I predict tonight will be a repeat. And maybe many nights to come.

It's a weird place to be, being happy and satisfied, yet having a gigantic hole in your heart... And having to pretend you're fine? Super fun.

I feel like God is trying to teach me patience and all I give Him in return is my big fat pouty lip and try to control things myself instead of TRUSTING IN HIM. Look where that's gotten me. Almost 37 years, now. It's a constant battle to let life happen, when I know it would all be so much easier if everyone would just DO WHAT I SAY, right? ;)

This too shall pass.

Stupid hormones.

PS Everyone who said you can't compare babies and dogs is right - dogs are MUCH worse! Haha.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there because this too shall pass. 2013 has been a difficult year for us as well but when I focus on something else all together. I mean really dig in (like you garden or one of your many projects) life will brighten because you are not focusing in what is missing. Sending you light and love and lots of focused energy.