I want to be better.

Let me preface this too-serious post with some fun first. I've been having way too much fun with the Face In Hole app. Especially with the dogs. I'm so easily amused.













Best 99 cents I've ever spent. Try it, I bet you will be addicted, too!

Now on to the more serious subject matter. It's been a fairly mild winter here (yay, Nashville!), but I think I am just prone to the winter "blahs", Seasonal Affective Disorder, cabin fever, or whatever you want to call it.

My life is just fine. Not too stressful (other than Josh being so busy with school stuff), no huge responsibilities, no kids, no money issues other than having to tighten up the budget a bit until Josh graduates next spring. Heck, no car issues anymore. What I am trying to say is I have absolutely no reason to feel anything other than happy 24/7.

But I don't. I've been having wild mood swings this week, going from being a Joyful Jokester to a Debbie Downer in about 2 seconds flat. I've got a full social schedule (baby showers galore, neighborhood fun, hosting a Pampered Chef party) but nothing that is not enjoyable or presses me for time. Still, I feel overwhelmed somehow.

Right now, I am feeling like I can't do anything right. And when I don't feel like I can do things right, I don't want to do them at all. I rarely cook anymore, and Josh knows better than to ask me what's for dinner. Clean landry is everywhere, waiting for me to fold it. I refuse. Reading material is piling up but I can't seem to sit still long enough to read it. I honestly don't know what I do with my free time. I guess I just flit from one thing to the next, never really completing anything, and it makes me really frustrated with myself. Which then makes me feel bad. Which then makes me sad.

I've really gotten away from doing the things I love to do and the things that ground me and keep me sane. I haven't been to yoga in way too long, and I'm done making excuses, so I am going tonight. I can't wait to melt into my mat and finally relax. Hopefully it will help these constant headaches I've been having, not to mention jaw pain. I am unsure if I have a cavity, or if my jaw is just always clenched. I will probably cry at yoga, but it will be such a release. I've got to get back to me.

Spring (and more sunshine) can't come soon enough. And hugs. I need more hugs in my life.

A big deal for me...

Confession: I am not very self-motivated, especially when it comes to excercise. This is why I enjoy the class experience so much. If left to my own devices, as soon as it starts getting too hard, or I get too winded, it's too easy to just STOP. (I mean, really, would I ever just go to the gym and do weights for an hour? No, but I'll do the Total Body class and enjoy it... which is an hour of doing weights!)

However, if I'm in a class full of people and there are people 35 years older (or more!) than me hanging in there and even kicking my tail a little bit, my competitiveness kicks in and I keep going. I may be looking at the clock and counting down the minutes until the torture is over, but I always hang in there until the bitter end.

As I've mentioned on here a hundred and eleventy billion times, I love Yoga (and Pilates, but especially Yoga). It's been 3 weeks today since I've had a Yoga class and I miss it.

This book arrived the other day,

and I've just found it so helpful and enlightening. It's mostly a deeper look at the root causes of anxiety and how to deal with it. Only a little bit of the book focuses on beneficial poses, but I found it to be an amazing coincidence (or not) that a lot of poses that were already my favorite are ones that are considered calming and helpful for anxiety. Reading so much yesterday got me really missing my Yoga class, and wanting to do Yoga RIGHT THAT MINUTE.

When I got home, I searched our TV for any exercise channel/programs I could find. I found two Yoga and one Pilates program, but they air early in the mornings. I set my DVR to record them and figured I'd have to wait to tonight to do them. But as the minutes ticked by, I just felt more edgy and restless. I needed Yoga right that second. Without the slightest clue how I was going to flow from one pose to the next, or even what poses I could tackle on my own without someone instructing me, I rolled my mat out onto the living room floor and  just did it. The more I did, the more I remembered and I just kept doing it, making sure to do all my favorites and ending with seeing how long I could stay in certain plank positions to challenge myself. When I rolled my mat back up and looked at the clock, 30 minutes had passed! I was more than a little proud of myself, but more importantly, my stress and anxiety had melted away. I still had a hard time falling asleep, but that was just regular old insomnia and not from being anxious. I felt quite calm and my mind was quiet. It was a wonderful accomplishment to do it on my own, but I really look forward to doing it tonight with instruction thanks to the programs I recorded... And I look even more forward to my favorite yogi returning from vacation in August!

Yoga, round 5 (AKA "HELL YEAH, I DID THAT!")

First, I have to say I've impressed myself this week with my exercise. I ran on Monday (and I am not a runner so it was more of a run/walk thing in 95 degree weather... wow), did Pilates on Tuesday (really love Pilates.. it's a very close second to yoga), then of course did Yoga last night, did an ab class at 5:30 this morning (hello 4:50 a.m. wake up and hardcore instructor - ouch!) and have Pilates again tonight after work. I am sore all over. Mostly in a good way. I am taking the weekend off!


(Ready to get our Zen on)
Last night may have been our best yoga class yet. Josh and I both had hip pain/tightness from running, and I was a little worried that I wasn't going to be able to get into some poses because I was just so stiff  and sore in that area. Well, I swear our instructor is a psychic... it seems whatever part of me hurts or I kind of hope we get to work on, that's what she dives right into. My doctor actually recommended that I start yoga due to my knee and hip issue that has been plaguing me the last year. Wouldn't you know it, the first class we ever went to, she starts with hip/leg stuff and the first leg we worked on was the right... the very same leg that I have issues with! It had been bothering me so much and within 20 minutes I was bending in all sorts of crazy ways I never thought I could.

So naturally, last night was a lot of focus on loosening up our hips. Toward the end of class she asked us to do tree pose. Tree pose looks easy, and anyone can do it for a few seconds. Holding it for an extended time is much, much, much harder than you'd think, especially if you are as uncoordinated as me. I'm not going to lie, I was worried that I was going to plotz right on my face in front of my husband and my fellow neighborhood yogis. The last (and only time) I did tree pose was in the yoga class at my gym and I could not get my foot up much higher than midcalf. The few seconds I could hold it was a triumph, but I thought it was really too advanced for me. However, last night, I got my leg all the way up. I was a little wobbly at first, but focusing on one unmoving spot really helps. Not only did we tree, baby, we treed with arms extended (up and out, not straight up like the picture shows)!

Holy crap, right? But it gets better. From tree pose, we moved into whatever-the-heck-you-call-this (except with arms not extended - hands were in prayer position):

HELL YEAH, I DID THAT! The funny thing is, I was amazed I could even get into this pose. And then I was amazed that I could hold it. Then, some sort of euphoria overtook me, and my mind was screaming "YOU ARE SO ROCKING THIS!" and as soon as that thought entered my mind, I lost my balance. Proof that there is no room for ego in yoga!

Anyway, long story short, it was amazing and so good for my body, brain, heart and soul. We started class in a corpse position, palms up, and did some melting into our mat and a little bit of meditation. As she guided us, through, I was able to let go of so many of the things that weigh me down and stress me out. I am by no means 'fixed' of my anxieties and troubles, but yoga has been (by far!) the most helpful thing for me as far as letting some of it go. I tend to carry the guilt, the burdens, of every (perceived or true) wrongdoing and bad decision I've made with me. All the time. 35 years of that gets a bit heavy... perfection is unattainable, so my load is only going to get lighter if I can let some of it go. I'm doing my best.

Yoga - round 4!

I had a long (4-day!!) weekend, and on Friday I decided to go to yoga at my gym, since when our regular lady is on vacation I will need to take yoga elsewhere for 2 months.

As I already knew it would be, it was a completely different environment than what I've gotten used to. For one - flourescent lights. Ugh. Second - no meditation or getting your mind into a good place before starting the moves... this made it hard for me to feel really rooted on some of the poses until about halfway through. The instructor was a nice enough (and super flexible) hippie type. But he was very soft-spoken and I had to struggle to hear him. He also didn't really explain the moves, he'd just say "now go into (fill-in-the-blank) pose." I am glad I have at least a rudimentary understanding of yoga, or I'd have been lost.

Overall, it was a decent experience, I got to do a few new (to me) poses like Tree Pose (so much harder than it looks to hold for a long period of time... the old ladies in class really kicked my butt at this one):

and Camel:

We also did a variation on Boat that I absolutely LOVED. And I got to do Pigeon again, which I find so comforting... I just love the poses where I'm all hunkered down.

Even though the old ladies totally owned me on the Tree, there was one pose (not sure of the name of it) that I amazed myself on and was star pupil for a second. It was kind of a forward lunge - one knee in front, one leg bent behind, toes curled under. Pretty basic. He said we could either stay there, or to make it more advanced, elevate back knee. I did. Then he said take it one step further and extend one arm. I did. Then extend the other arm. I did. Everyone else stayed in the basic pose and I felt like a complete and total rockstar.

The next day, Josh went to the gym and was talking to one of the instruuctors and she told them that she just found out there WILL BE NO MORE YOGA THERE due to small class size.

*Insert scream here*

So now I'm scrambling. After tomorrow, we only have two more weeks with our current yoga lady until the end of August! I am desperately trying to find another class that works with my work schedule and is either close to work or home and more spiritually focused. Hope I find it in the first few tries!

Pilates tonight! There will be a different instructor than the one I had last week, so I am wondering how different it will be.

Yoga, round 3, and Pablo

Pablo got neutered yesterday and 3 teeth pulled, but it isn't slowing him down a bit. I just got a one minute video from Josh of him playing like crazy. He is immune to the pain medicine, apparently! It made Julio sleep non-stop, but I think it just dulls Pablo's pain enough to make him feel like his old self.



Crazy booger.

Last night was yoga, and I was totally off my game. I was ok at first, cleared my head with no problem, but then I kept messing up the moves, losing my blalance, wondering why my knee was hurting so bad - um, because I forgot to use my toes on some poses! I would not engage my foot at all and just kept coming down hard on my knee, like an idiot! It was nearly impossible to get back into a good headspace after that, I and I did not get my usual release, which was disappointing for me.

We did get to do a new (to me) move that I love - the Boat Pose!

We also did another pose that I don't know the name of and can't find a picture of, but we were on our backs, legs up and spread in a V-shape, and then did kind of a sit-up with our upper body! Difficult, but enjoyable.

One really cool thing that happened was this... at the end of class she usually goes around the room and touches your head and shoulders (I think I mentioned this in my last yoga post). Well between the music, the hardwood floors, my eyes closed, and her bare feet, I couldn't tell where she was in the room. Until she got to Josh, who was next to me. I didn't hear her, (and I know this is going to make me sound like a new-age nutso), but I felt her energy. I just felt a sense of peaceful warmth by/in my right shoulder, and I knew she was there. And then, inexplicably, my fingers (my hands were at my side, palms-up in corpse pose) on my right hand started to curl toward her. I had no control over them! Such a strange but neat experience... it almost makes up for my lack of Zen.

However, I am hurting pretty badly today, especially in my lower back. Not sure if it is because I messed up so badly last night, or something else, but in any case, I took today off from the gym. I have a 4 day weekend coming up and I am going to use the blessing of having two weekdays off to do some daytime classes there that I otherwise miss out on!

Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

Weight Loss, week 21 - Changing it up! (And Pilates!)

Over the course of the last 21 weeks, I have done a few different things - started with Weight Watchers, moved to Calorie Counting, attempted the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (got sidelined halfway through due to leg and knee issues), and lost a total of 13 lbs!

I am changing it up yet again. I am over my Wednesday weigh-ins! That's not to say I won't still be weighing myself, because I will be, but since I am going to be doing so much toning and weight work now, I know the scale will most likely go up - and I don't want to report those weigh-ins as a gain, because it will be muscle gain - and that's not a bad thing. A higher number on the scale doesn't have to mean I'm getting bigger... it might just mean that I'm becoming leaner and stronger and replacing those last stubborn unwanted pounds with something more desirable (and less jiggly)!

I'm going to focus less on the numbers now (because I am by no means overweight) and focus more on shaping my body into something strong and beautiful. And who knows, I may be 5 pounds heavier but 2 sizes smaller!

I am looking forward to my new workout schedule. I thrive in class environmnets as opposed to working out on my own, and this is what my schedule is going to look like.

Mondays: Total Body Class at 5:30 p.m. (I've never been to this one, but Josh recommended it)
Tuesdays: Abs at 5:30 a.m., Pilates at 5:30 p.m. (two-a-days! eek!)
Wednesdays: Yoga at 6:15 in the Village (except late June until late August - then Wednesdays will be my off nights)
Thursdays: Abs at 5:30 a.m., Pilates at 5:30 p.m.
Friday: Free Day! (except Late June to late August when I will be doing Yoga at our gym @ 5:40 pm while our regular lady is on Vacation.)
Saturday: Free Day!
Sunday: Free Day!

I think I am going to love this schedule... my weekends will not be devoted to the gym and I can concentrate on the stuff that is important to me - hubbin, dogs, cooking, entertaining, gardening, trying to get my crafting groove back. Generally enjoying life. Instead of zoning in front of the tv or otherwise wasting time most weeknights, I will be getting myself in shape with other like-minded folks. I can't wait!

Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be hard. That abs class is a killer and Pilates isn't an easy-breezy picnic, either! To be honest it will probably take me a few weeks to build up the stamina to do both classes on both days. I will probably just do one ab class a week to start. We did Pilates last night for the first time and although it was very difficult at some points, it was pretty empowering, too! We got to do some moves on the ball

and also did some killer arm stuff with weights, too. I loved the class. When you are feeling the soreness and sweating 10 minutes in, you know you are working it right! It's similar to yoga in a lot of ways, except the breathing is opposite in most cases, which was confusing. I didn't realize how "used" to yoga I was already and how my breathing wanted to naturally go down the yoga road instead of the pilates road. I didn't know if this class would be a keeper for Josh, but I think it's going to be. It was quite a workout and we're both looking forward to unwinding, relaxing, and releasing at our Yoga class tonight. I think Wednesdays are officially my favorite day of the week!

Yoga, round 2.

(on our way to class)

Last night was our second Yoga class, and dare I say it was even better than the first one? It was much different than the last one, too - I like that it's not the same routine everytime. This time we started with a little meditation exercise. Cue tears. Yes, I was teary at least 6 times during class. It's a good kind of emotional, though, very cleansing.

Just like last time, I was surprised at how easy some of the moves are for me, and how hard some of the others are! We did a new (to us) one called a Pigeon Pose which basically looks like this:

Except we took it a step further, with one arm extended out and our ear to the mat. If you would have shown me that picture three weeks ago, I would have not thought I could ever get into that position. But you know what? I can.

One I can't seem to do, though, is the Downward Facing Dog:

For some reason, I can fold and flatten myself into nothing, but asking me to stick my rump in the air while keeping my back and legs straight is too much. I'll get the hang of it one of these days.

Our instructor is wonderful. You know how some people just have 'it'? She does. Occasionally she will come around and either help you get into position or just place her hands on you for no reason. Last night she was pushing my shoulders further into my mat (I assume because I was holding a lot of tension there and not completely letting go and melting into the pose), and after that, she just ran her hands up my face and over my head and I was stunned by her seemingly healing touch and the good energy that just leaps out of her hands. I mentioned it to Josh afterward, and she had done the same thing to him and he felt it, too. It's just crazy (in a good way). She also has the knack for getting you into a mentally good place. She's very good about suggesting something (a thought or meditation) and then saying "or just discard it if that doesn't work for you." No demands, just gentle suggestions. Actually, if I could sum up the experience in one word, it would be "gentle." Easing your body from one move to the next, being aware of yourself, your soul, your breath... it's all very much like being spiritually cradled in the gentlest manner imaginable. At one point I realized the only thought that had occured to me in the last hour was that I wasn't thinking. Truly a triumph for a wound-up chickadee like me.

The benefit to having your mind so empty is that the thoughts that do come to you when she asks you to think of something are pure and true. For instance, towards the end of class as we were winding down, she said "On this breath, think of something you're thankful for and hold onto that thought. On the next breath send some love and good energy to the first person you can think of that needs your love and energy, even if it's someone you wouldn't ordinarily give it to." Wow. The things and people that were coming to mind were NOT consciously on my mind, but because they popped into my head I knew that they needed it and sent that love and energy their way without second-guessing myself.

Of course, as soon as we were out the door, I burst into tears and cried the four blocks home. Again, they were good tears. It's some sort of release I can't put into words. All I know is this is so good for me.

She will be gone from about June 20-Aug 20. During that time I guess we will be doing yoga at our gym. I know it won't be the same, but I just can't imagine going without it that long.

Next week I am going to start a new gym routine, too. Josh has been taking ab classes there and they are really paying off! Unfortunately,  I can't go to the same class (or have the same instructor) he does due to my work schedule. I'll be taking the 5 a.m. class on Tuesday and possibly Thursday mornings as well, and Pilates classes are on the same days (I think) except they are after work (I definitely want to take it one day a week, not sure if I can do two workouts a day both days). It's going to be a miracle if I can get there from work fast enough, but I am going to try! I find I do much better in a class setting when it comes to exercise, so I am very excited to start trying things a bit differently next week!

Yoga.

Okay, so I am only a few decades late when it comes to the yoga craze, but I have discovered it now, and my life will never be the same.

I live in a quaint little neighborhood that is actually quite beautiful (on the other side, anyway, we're on the ghetto side until the Hubbin is out of school) and was built during WWI as housing for employees at the DuPont plant. The first time I drove through the neighborhood, in 2003 (prior to buying my first house there {on the nice side!} in 2004), I felt home. I knew I had to live there, and even though time and circumstances had me living elsewhere between 2005 and 2009, it has always been home to me in my heart, like nowhere else has ever been. I knew I'd be back, and I am. My husband loves it, too, and as long as we are in the Nashville area, we have no intention of leaving this neighborhood. Upgrading to a bigger house on the other side, yes, but not leaving.

One of the little gems in the neighborhood is this building:


It used to be a school, and is now a little art school. I recently found out that they hold yoga classes there every Wednesday. Two weeks ago, I made up my mind to finally check it out. I convinced the Bipster to go with me just for the first time, since I am always anxious when it comes to new things. He had never done yoga either, and didn't seem that interested (he was a Marine, their idea of working out is a little more intense than yoga), but he agreed to humor me just one time. He is a pretty Zen guy (much moreso before I came along - it's very hard to keep your Zen when you're partnered with someone as wound up as I), so I hoped he would like it even though it wasn't the intensity he prefers.

We got there and the building was lovely on the inside. Hardwood floors, low light (the sun was beginning to set), and artwork all around us. Can't get that kind of atmosphere at the gym. The class was an hour and fifteen minutes long. She started us out with a bolster under our spines and we were instructed to basically melt into our mats and breathe. For about 10 minutes. Despite finding it kind of absurd at first (not to mention really difficult to stay still and empty my brain), I soon found myself relaxing... if you know me at all in real life, you might realize what an accomplishment that is in itself for me. As class went on we got into progressively more difficult moves and I surprised myself with how flexible I was, how natural this felt. My eyes occasionally met Josh's and I could tell he was enjoying it, too.

I don't know how else to explain it, except it flipped some kind of switch in my soul. I've always heard yoga is a mind-body-spirit thing, but I just never got it the few times I attempted to do it with a video. It's a completely different thing in a great setting with a wonderful instructor, being in the moment. By the time class was over, my brain was empty of all stresses and over-thinking. I marveled at the feeling of being 'normal.' I felt some kind of other-worldly, out-of-body, life-is-so-much-more-than-we-can-ever-fathom THING. When we got into the car, I burst into tears, it was that powerful. I am tearing up again just remembering.

I am very good about not judging anyone's religious path or lack thereof. I've never quite understood athiests, because for as long as I can remember I have been sure of God, though I don't go to church or label myself any one religion. But I don't judge those who don't believe (although like I said, I simply wonder how someone couldn't.) After this experience, I have to wonder how many athiests do yoga? How can you do it and not be rendered speechless and brought to tears and so aware of your spirit? There is something out there more than us. I don't know exactly what, but I know that it is. And it is good.

Like me, Josh was converted into a yoga lover. Not only is it good for my leg problems (and recommended by my Doctor), but it is so good for my soul, my brain, my sleep. Unfortunately, we were out of town last Wednesday, so we couldn't attend, but tomorrow we go back. I can't wait!