I'm getting a divorce.
Those words are just as hard to type as they are to say out loud.
Maybe someday, when the pain is not quite so raw, I will go into a little more detail. Suffice it to say that nothing "major" happened. No cheating, nothing scandalous. Just little things that went unresolved and turned into big things. In the end (which apparently was last Sunday) he said he cannot focus on nursing school and our marriage at the same time, and this is what's best for him.
I'll be the first (and I guess the only) to say I DO NOT WANT THIS. We agreed from the beginning that divorce wasn't an option, as we had both been divorced previously. I never would have married him had I thought we'd end up here.
I don't know why some miserable-seeming marriages seem to go on forever and some (like this one) that just needs a little work have to end. We did counseling separately and together. I really wanted (and tried, I thought) to fix it.
At the end of the day, I can (and have to) live with it. I know that I wanted to fulfill my vows. I didn't want it to end. I know this is a mistake. But I also know that trying to change his mind with begging, guilt trips, or the like will not work. That will only cause further resentments on his part and great insecurity on mine as I wait for the bottom to drop out from under me yet again.
I know that he doesn't see what I see from where he is right now, but if he changes his mind, he knows where to find me.
In the meantime, good things are everywhere (excuse me while I count my blessings):
1. I am surrounded by mostly wonderful people who are supportive and understanding in the best possible way.
2. In addition to some great peeps, I have my job, my home, a reliable vehicle, 3 wonderful dogs and a roomful of books.
3. I have learned what NOT to say to people when they are going through a rough time.
a) "Time heals all wounds." (Yeah, it does. Mostly. But when someone is hurting RIGHT NOW, this sentence doesn't mean a damn thing.)
b) Any form of "get over it" or "move on". Would you say that to someone who just lost a child, spouse, or anyone to death? Because that's kind of what this is like. As it stands right now, things are arranged in such a way that I will never see Josh again. I don't have to attend court, his things will be picked up when I am not around, etc. It IS like a death. He is gone, and I am mourning. Oh, and if I do see him again, it's not going to be a joyful reunion at the Pearly Gates. It's going to be an accidental, unplanned run-in when I probably look my worst and he is probably beaming and happy with wife #3 on his arm.
c)"Someone better will come along." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I vowed to live my life with this one person. Forever. That's it. At no point in my marriage did I ever even think about even holding hands with someone else, so to think about "someone better coming along" really turns my stomach. I am not even close to thinking about opening my heart up to anyone (and risking this happening again? Yeah, right), and right now I am ok if I never get to that point. Again, maybe there is truth in those words, but they bring no comfort today.
If I have ever said any of those above things to a friend who was hurting, this is my public apology. But truthfully, people don't know any better until they are at that place themselves. The words that have truly been a balm for my wounds and bouyed my spirit have been things like "I am sorry this is happening", "I am praying for you", and "I love you." Simple words, no advice, just an acknowledgement and love. That helps more than anything, and those words can heal.
4. This book:
I bought it before Josh even moved out (in May), but didn't pick it up until last week. Boy am I glad I did. The best possible words when I need them most. I strongly encourage it to anyone of any faith who is going through a difficult time or just wants to change for the better (and face it, we all could use a little improving).
It's been 4 days since my life has changed so drastically (in the past few months there was always a faint glimmer of hope and no true finality), and I think I am doing ok. Two of those days I cried like a baby and two of those days I didn't. Every one of those days I have counted my blessings, given my thanks to the Lord above for what I do have, and found something to smile about. I am sad. I will probably be sad for a very long time, but I am not sad ALL the time, and I think that is saying something.
Now on to more posts about makeup and stuff.