It hurts.

Mercy. What a whirlwind.

Roommate is moved in and that is going well. I think, anyway. She seems happy. I'm happy. The baby seems happy. The dogs are getting used to it. Pablo is OVERJOYED, he loves that baby.

But you know me, I can't stay on an even keel for very long. Perhaps it's just a hormonal thing if you catch my drift, but I CAN'T STOP CRYING these days. My headaches are worse. I'm always tired. My body is worn out because my mind is in overdrive.



I apparently don't know how NOT to complicate life. Usually procrastination... um, "creative avoidance" is what does me in, but lately... it's everything. I start a million projects and finish none. I can get laundry washed and dried... even folded. But put away? Oh, that's funny. Never got around to getting my garden tilled, but had already bought plants and they were blooming, so I just had to get them in the damn ground. It's not pretty, but it'll do. I'm eating like crap (not helping with the headaches, I am sure), and did I mention I can't stop crying? What's up with that?

Guess this last breakup has thrown me for a bigger loop than I want to admit. I'm staring down the barrel of 37... it's just over a month away. Dealing with the idea of NEVER having kids is not an easy one for me to take. Especially now that I live with one and he's freaking great (and I loved my ex-bf's kids, too. They were 11 and 16, so it's not just babies I am after). But speaking of babies, EVERYONE in the universe is pregnant except for me, it seems.

I just came across this photo and it hurt my heart because it's how I've always pictured my future rugrats - with my messy bedhead and brown eyes. And love of dairy.



And dude from October... I thought we might be rekindling, but I have ZERO idea what is going through his head, and I honestly sometimes wonder why I care (also I have been a raging you-know-what to him just because he's not a mind-reader. Totally fair, right? In any case, I think I've ruined the potential to re-kindle). Maybe I am just trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I really did like him and I want to see if it would work. Maybe I just need the distraction so I don't think about the person my heart is really hurting for, so I don't think about the future I assumed I would have that I am probably NOT going to have.

The other night I sat in my room and turned the lights off and sobbed. I predict tonight will be a repeat. And maybe many nights to come.

It's a weird place to be, being happy and satisfied, yet having a gigantic hole in your heart... And having to pretend you're fine? Super fun.

I feel like God is trying to teach me patience and all I give Him in return is my big fat pouty lip and try to control things myself instead of TRUSTING IN HIM. Look where that's gotten me. Almost 37 years, now. It's a constant battle to let life happen, when I know it would all be so much easier if everyone would just DO WHAT I SAY, right? ;)

This too shall pass.

Stupid hormones.

PS Everyone who said you can't compare babies and dogs is right - dogs are MUCH worse! Haha.

I'm still alive... sort of.

Wow. Long time, no update. It's been close to a year.

So much has changed, and at the same time, not much has changed.

Divorce was finalized January 15th. There is a lot I have not worked through with that yet and maybe never will. I've found with some things, that is best. Doesn't sound healthy, though, does it? It's been over a year now since he moved out. I miss his family. I always will. That's been the hardest part for me. I don't miss him like I thought I would. The end was just so bad, and I wish I could remember the good stuff about our time together, like I do with my first husband, but I only remember the bad. Maybe someday that will change.

I've dated a couple of people. The first one was in October-ish. I liked him a ton. Things got weird and I am still not exactly sure why. Never did shake him completely. He still texts from time to time. I don't know if the timing was not right or what. I thought we could have been really compatible, but we do have pretty different lifestyles.

The second one I don't even want to think about. And this is not the place to air it.

The last one stings a bit, but it just ended about 3 weeks ago. It was a good run, all things considered. He was completely different than anyone I've ever dated. Ever. I've NEVER dated anyone with kids - never wanted to - and he had two boys, 11 and 16. I'm also kind of a hippie with no religious preference. I believe in God, I love God. Be good, do good. It's pretty simple, right? I respect all paths that lead to the Source. He's a pretty hardcore Christian and was even in a pretty big Christian reggae band (I never even knew such a thing existed) back in the day. Somehow, despite the fact we were very different and he was not at all what I thought I was looking for, it was wonderful and we were really darn happy. Like, blissful. I don't mean that "just got together" kind of bliss. I didn't have that with him - the butterflies and all that. I enjoyed his company and next thing I knew, I loved him. And it was an easy kind of love. We just kind of "got" each other. I thought the kid thing would stress me out, but it didn't. It was easy to love them, too, before I met them, just by hearing him talk about them with such love, and the fact that I loved him and they were his made it just a natural thing. But, it turns out it was too good to be true after all. Despite telling me at the beginning he was ok with having more children (which is a MUST for me - I at least want to try, even if it's not in the cards for me... I'm almost 37 now), he changed his mind. I felt it in my gut, and finally one night had to address the issue and he had to tell me how he really felt. I know it was extremely hard for him to tell me... I think he may have avoided that particular conversation forever if he could have. It was hard for me to hear, too, obviously. Of course, we had other differences, too, but I think we balanced each other out in those respects. It was still the healthiest relationship I've ever had in my life, which is pretty sad. He's a hard one to let go of, but it has to be done.

What else has been going on? I lost a very good friend, recently, which sucked. But I am ok with it now. Now is not the place to really air that, either. I was and still am concerned for her and her choices, but it's her life. I'll always be here for her if she needs me.

I also dropped some other folks from my life. It's hard to do, but necessary. Many I drifted away from, some there were unsavory things going on behind the scenes (which they probably got a different version of, but I know the truth, so I'm not even stressing), and some that just were not truly friends. One in particular was so passive-agressive with me. Always had been, forever and always. It didn't matter what I ever did or said, she was always going to find fault with me somehow. People chalk it up to that's just how she is, but there comes a point where you get sick of it. Sick of choosing your words carefully all the time because you have to be constantly thinking ahead to how she is going to respond with some backhanded compliment (and they were ALWAYS backhanded). One thing I will give my ex credit for, he would see the comments she would make on my FB and constantly ask me "WHY are you friends with this person? There is NOTHING friendly about her and everything she ever says to you has a bitchy undertone." He would get so angry on my behalf at things she said that I had long ago chalked up to her just being... her. Granted, he had never even met her and could still spot it. One day, in the midst of my life changes, I bit the bullet and dropped the dead weight. I have not regretted it for a moment. He was right. She was not my friend. Of course, it earned me a long email from her, and I let her have the last word. Didn't bother me a bit. If it was that important to her, she can think what she wants to about why I did it. Again, I know the truth, I don't lose a bit of sleep over it.




Right now, I'm pretty happy. Life is not without its challenges, but I feel like the people in my life are actually good for me and care for me (QUALITY, not QUANTITY) and when I am struggling or having a particularly hard day, there are people who I can turn to. People who aren't catty, competitive, etc. It's incredible how getting away from negative people just thrusts you toward wonderful, positive people at warp speed! I feel blessed beyond what I deserve in most regards.

I'm still doing yoga, and it is my sanity! I can get more quickly to my "Zen-place" these days... might not be the "technical" term, but it's what I call it when I get to the part of my practice where my brain is empty of all thoughts and worries and my spirit is just so loud and joyous inside of me that I sometimes completely lose where we are or what we're doing and I am just lost in the beauty of life and whatever pose I happen to be in.

I have a roommate moving in in a couple of weeks and she has a 10 month old... it's not what I envisioned for life with a roommate at first, but I am pretty pumped about it and the good energy it's going to bring into the house.

Last week I went to see the Avett Brothers with my friend Kim... Kind of changed my life a little bit! True story! She snapped this pic of me outside the venue and it makes me happy... proof I am still smiling!

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