It hurts.

Mercy. What a whirlwind.

Roommate is moved in and that is going well. I think, anyway. She seems happy. I'm happy. The baby seems happy. The dogs are getting used to it. Pablo is OVERJOYED, he loves that baby.

But you know me, I can't stay on an even keel for very long. Perhaps it's just a hormonal thing if you catch my drift, but I CAN'T STOP CRYING these days. My headaches are worse. I'm always tired. My body is worn out because my mind is in overdrive.



I apparently don't know how NOT to complicate life. Usually procrastination... um, "creative avoidance" is what does me in, but lately... it's everything. I start a million projects and finish none. I can get laundry washed and dried... even folded. But put away? Oh, that's funny. Never got around to getting my garden tilled, but had already bought plants and they were blooming, so I just had to get them in the damn ground. It's not pretty, but it'll do. I'm eating like crap (not helping with the headaches, I am sure), and did I mention I can't stop crying? What's up with that?

Guess this last breakup has thrown me for a bigger loop than I want to admit. I'm staring down the barrel of 37... it's just over a month away. Dealing with the idea of NEVER having kids is not an easy one for me to take. Especially now that I live with one and he's freaking great (and I loved my ex-bf's kids, too. They were 11 and 16, so it's not just babies I am after). But speaking of babies, EVERYONE in the universe is pregnant except for me, it seems.

I just came across this photo and it hurt my heart because it's how I've always pictured my future rugrats - with my messy bedhead and brown eyes. And love of dairy.



And dude from October... I thought we might be rekindling, but I have ZERO idea what is going through his head, and I honestly sometimes wonder why I care (also I have been a raging you-know-what to him just because he's not a mind-reader. Totally fair, right? In any case, I think I've ruined the potential to re-kindle). Maybe I am just trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I really did like him and I want to see if it would work. Maybe I just need the distraction so I don't think about the person my heart is really hurting for, so I don't think about the future I assumed I would have that I am probably NOT going to have.

The other night I sat in my room and turned the lights off and sobbed. I predict tonight will be a repeat. And maybe many nights to come.

It's a weird place to be, being happy and satisfied, yet having a gigantic hole in your heart... And having to pretend you're fine? Super fun.

I feel like God is trying to teach me patience and all I give Him in return is my big fat pouty lip and try to control things myself instead of TRUSTING IN HIM. Look where that's gotten me. Almost 37 years, now. It's a constant battle to let life happen, when I know it would all be so much easier if everyone would just DO WHAT I SAY, right? ;)

This too shall pass.

Stupid hormones.

PS Everyone who said you can't compare babies and dogs is right - dogs are MUCH worse! Haha.

I'm still alive... sort of.

Wow. Long time, no update. It's been close to a year.

So much has changed, and at the same time, not much has changed.

Divorce was finalized January 15th. There is a lot I have not worked through with that yet and maybe never will. I've found with some things, that is best. Doesn't sound healthy, though, does it? It's been over a year now since he moved out. I miss his family. I always will. That's been the hardest part for me. I don't miss him like I thought I would. The end was just so bad, and I wish I could remember the good stuff about our time together, like I do with my first husband, but I only remember the bad. Maybe someday that will change.

I've dated a couple of people. The first one was in October-ish. I liked him a ton. Things got weird and I am still not exactly sure why. Never did shake him completely. He still texts from time to time. I don't know if the timing was not right or what. I thought we could have been really compatible, but we do have pretty different lifestyles.

The second one I don't even want to think about. And this is not the place to air it.

The last one stings a bit, but it just ended about 3 weeks ago. It was a good run, all things considered. He was completely different than anyone I've ever dated. Ever. I've NEVER dated anyone with kids - never wanted to - and he had two boys, 11 and 16. I'm also kind of a hippie with no religious preference. I believe in God, I love God. Be good, do good. It's pretty simple, right? I respect all paths that lead to the Source. He's a pretty hardcore Christian and was even in a pretty big Christian reggae band (I never even knew such a thing existed) back in the day. Somehow, despite the fact we were very different and he was not at all what I thought I was looking for, it was wonderful and we were really darn happy. Like, blissful. I don't mean that "just got together" kind of bliss. I didn't have that with him - the butterflies and all that. I enjoyed his company and next thing I knew, I loved him. And it was an easy kind of love. We just kind of "got" each other. I thought the kid thing would stress me out, but it didn't. It was easy to love them, too, before I met them, just by hearing him talk about them with such love, and the fact that I loved him and they were his made it just a natural thing. But, it turns out it was too good to be true after all. Despite telling me at the beginning he was ok with having more children (which is a MUST for me - I at least want to try, even if it's not in the cards for me... I'm almost 37 now), he changed his mind. I felt it in my gut, and finally one night had to address the issue and he had to tell me how he really felt. I know it was extremely hard for him to tell me... I think he may have avoided that particular conversation forever if he could have. It was hard for me to hear, too, obviously. Of course, we had other differences, too, but I think we balanced each other out in those respects. It was still the healthiest relationship I've ever had in my life, which is pretty sad. He's a hard one to let go of, but it has to be done.

What else has been going on? I lost a very good friend, recently, which sucked. But I am ok with it now. Now is not the place to really air that, either. I was and still am concerned for her and her choices, but it's her life. I'll always be here for her if she needs me.

I also dropped some other folks from my life. It's hard to do, but necessary. Many I drifted away from, some there were unsavory things going on behind the scenes (which they probably got a different version of, but I know the truth, so I'm not even stressing), and some that just were not truly friends. One in particular was so passive-agressive with me. Always had been, forever and always. It didn't matter what I ever did or said, she was always going to find fault with me somehow. People chalk it up to that's just how she is, but there comes a point where you get sick of it. Sick of choosing your words carefully all the time because you have to be constantly thinking ahead to how she is going to respond with some backhanded compliment (and they were ALWAYS backhanded). One thing I will give my ex credit for, he would see the comments she would make on my FB and constantly ask me "WHY are you friends with this person? There is NOTHING friendly about her and everything she ever says to you has a bitchy undertone." He would get so angry on my behalf at things she said that I had long ago chalked up to her just being... her. Granted, he had never even met her and could still spot it. One day, in the midst of my life changes, I bit the bullet and dropped the dead weight. I have not regretted it for a moment. He was right. She was not my friend. Of course, it earned me a long email from her, and I let her have the last word. Didn't bother me a bit. If it was that important to her, she can think what she wants to about why I did it. Again, I know the truth, I don't lose a bit of sleep over it.




Right now, I'm pretty happy. Life is not without its challenges, but I feel like the people in my life are actually good for me and care for me (QUALITY, not QUANTITY) and when I am struggling or having a particularly hard day, there are people who I can turn to. People who aren't catty, competitive, etc. It's incredible how getting away from negative people just thrusts you toward wonderful, positive people at warp speed! I feel blessed beyond what I deserve in most regards.

I'm still doing yoga, and it is my sanity! I can get more quickly to my "Zen-place" these days... might not be the "technical" term, but it's what I call it when I get to the part of my practice where my brain is empty of all thoughts and worries and my spirit is just so loud and joyous inside of me that I sometimes completely lose where we are or what we're doing and I am just lost in the beauty of life and whatever pose I happen to be in.

I have a roommate moving in in a couple of weeks and she has a 10 month old... it's not what I envisioned for life with a roommate at first, but I am pretty pumped about it and the good energy it's going to bring into the house.

Last week I went to see the Avett Brothers with my friend Kim... Kind of changed my life a little bit! True story! She snapped this pic of me outside the venue and it makes me happy... proof I am still smiling!

<

Heads Carolina, Tails California...

Ok, to be honest, California was not a contender in the first place. With all the "stuff" in my personal life going on, a thoughtful friend sent me gas money for my birthday with orders to go visit my other friend, LeAnn, in SC. Talk about an offer you can't refuse!

My actual birthday was not nearly as bad as I anticipated - so many folks made me feel special and loved!

The day after (the 27th), around noon, I started my trek to SC. The drive was not bad at all until I hit Atlanta at rush hour. Not that there is ever a good time to drive in Atlanta. Mercy.

Finally, I arrived safe and sound at LeAnn's apartment! I was so happy to just walk in there and plop all my stuff down. I was exhausted, not just from the drive, but from not getting enough sleep the night before. We just chilled on the couch and chit chatted for hours. It was so nice to catch up. Aside from a brief interval when she had a layover in Nashville on her way to Wisconsin, I had not seen her face to face in almost two years! But it's so wonderful to have those friendships where you can just pick up where you left off, you know?

She had made me a birthday cake, and that might have made me a little bit teary. As cheesy as it is, Josh always made sure I had my favorite birthday cake for my birthday... I really thought this year would pass without any cake at all, and what is a birthday without cake?!



It was lemon, and it was goooood.

Saturday morning, we were up bright and early to head to a nearby Farmer's Market so I could meet her friend Kim. Kim and I have been FB friends for quite some time, and I had been dying to try some of the delicious food she is always making. Imagine my surprise when we got there and she had a little birthday gift bag of goodies for me! I almost cried. It was such a sweet (and very delicious) gesture.

Look at all this good stuff!



Of course I had to buy more, for backup. ;)

After that LeAnn and I went to Sonic so I could induldge in my obsession of the moment (Wholly Guacamole Hot Dogs). I have since quit cold turkey, with only one slip. I was up to three a day at one point. It's a shameful place to be.

LeAnn had gotten me an Ulta gift card for my birthday, and we headed there next... I had never been to an Ulta, and I was SO EXCITED!!!



I ran into the Beibs there...



And here is my first Ulta Purchase!!!



After that we made a few more stops, including Michaels and the Mall.

We went back to LeAnn's and I said I was going to "rest my eyes" for a second. Next thing I knew, she was waking me up and it was time to go out and meet up with more of her friends (including Amanda and Travis, who I had met earlier at the Farmer's Market) for dinner at a local mexican spot.

Heading out (wearing my new makeup, of course!):





All of her friends were so great, and I felt like I had known them forever. There was no awkwardness at all! And best of all, I got to wear a large somebrero and have whipped cream smashed in my face!





After dinner, we headed to Dazzler's, a nearby bar. Or, as LeAnn calls it, "The Dazzle." I have to admit, I go to bed pretty early, but they convinced me we'd only be there an hour. Yeah, right. Once I got started, I didn't want to leave. I was singing and dancing and making a fool out of myself... and I loved every second of it. I have not cut loose in... way too long. I should try to do it at least once a year.



The next morning we were going to Jennifer's for brunch. Jennifer is another one who has been my fb friend for a very long time, but I had never met in person.

Here's a picture of me being emo on the couch while waiting for LeAnn to get ready.



Brunch at Jennifer's was GLORIOUS. GLORIOUS. Crab quiche. Need I say more? And cucumber sandwiches, and ham and potato soup and mimosas and salad with fruit and gouda and more fruit, and blueberry cake... oh my. I still think about it daily.

Here is Jennifer, me, and LeAnn before we left.



Jennifer has since moved to TX (boo), but we will be seeing her in November and I can't wait. I'll also be making another trip to SC in late October... can't wait for that, either!

After that long and relaxing brunch, we then met LeAnn's momma for dinner. It was so good to see her, she is EVERYONE'S momma, and she truly loves all of her "children". I am so glad to have Momma B in my life!!

We then headed back to LeAnn's and watched the Olympics, "Bridesmaids", did our nails and were just lazy. It was wonderful.

I was to leave the next morning, but first we decided to end our visit with a spray tan (courtesy of LeAnn's groupons). I am a pale, freckled chick who burns... I thought it would be great to try something new. I went for medium, with a boost.

Right away, we had a lovely glow.



Six hours later, when I got home, I looked like this:



HOLY COW, right? Haha.

After documenting it with photo evidence, I took a bath and washed off all the excess. I came out looking far more normal and just had a regular tan. I loved it. I would definitely do it again!But of course I had to joke about it first, and let everyone know this was the working title and cover of my new book...



But, like I said, it faded to a "normal" tan in no time.




I miss you, LeAnn. Every day!!! Thanks to you and Julz for giving me a wonderful birthday weekend!

August 2012 Birchbox and MyGlam

Oh, Birchbox. What has happened to you?

It was a dud month for sure with them. See for yourself. Packet city!



Birchbox August 2012 (the theme was Beauty school, though none of these products really conveyed that for me.)

Caldrea Hand Soap

they sez: A delicious smelling soap loaded with aloe vera and olive oil to soften hands.

I sez: Cardboard packets? Really? The scent I received was Sea Salt and Neroli, I believe, and man oh man, did it smell good. So good, that I used some of my points to buy the full size. This will be a GREAT kitchen soap!

Juicy Couture - Viva la Juicy La Fleur

they sez: This modern scent is a feminine blend of wild berries, mandarin, and waterlily.

I sez: When are you going to stop sending me tiny little vials of perfume?? At least it wasn't in a cardboard packet. Even so, this one smells really good!! I do like it, and will consider buying in the future. It's not as good as Viva La Juicy, but a close second.

Osmotics - Blue Copper 5 Firming Elasticity Repair

they sez: Take a proactive approach to anti-agining with this advanced copper-infused cream.

I sez: I am happy with my Rodan and Fields, thankyouverymuch. This will go in the giveaway pile.

Shu Uemura Art of Hair (Moisture Velvet Nourishing Shampoo and Moisture Velvet Nourishing Treatment)

they sez: Rich in nourishing camelia oil, this ultra luxe shampoo replenishes dehydrates strands/ This treatment leaves strands soft, manageable and sweet-smelling

I sez: MORE PACKETS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Used these last night and was NOT impressed. For products that cost $48 and $58 for full size, I expected a bit more than the frizzy hair it left me with. Color me not impressed.

BONUS - Schick Hydro-Silk Razor

I sez: I am never one to look a gift razor in the mouth (even though this one looks slightly lethal). I haven't used it yet, I am a little afraid of it.


MyGlam August 2012

MyGlam gave us a whopping SIX products this month, PLUS the cosmetic bag. They just keep getting better!



MyGlam Lipgloss (Glamgloss) in the color "01"

I sez: This is a very sheer pink on, though it looks bubblegum pink in the tube. No complaints.

Andrea's Choice Circus nail polish in Ringmaster

I sez: This is pi-iiiink! You have to see it in real life to see how pink it is. Love it on my toes, though!! Very fun.

Salty Cosmetics eyeshadow in Glama-Zoid

I sez: This is great for highlighting, and has a slight pinkish or violet hue to it, depending on your skin tone. A little goes a looooong way.

Demeter roll on perfume oil in "Clean Skin" scent

I sez: I love the size of this, I just wish it were a different smell. This one is ok, and very clean smelling, but very, very light.

Eclos anti-aging moisture therapy Regenerative Cream

I sez: Again, I am an R+F girl. Will give this away, probably.

Eclos Cellular Activator Facial Serum

I sez: Would give this away, too, but my dog somehow got a hold of it and destroyed it.

The Bag itself

I sez: Cute, sturdy, no complaints.



So.... Who is this months winner? It's a no-brainer! MyGlam wins again! For those of you keeping up, Birchbox won for May and June, and MyGlam won July and August. Step it up, Birchbox!!!

Get thy booty to Ulta or Ulta.com NOW!

Yes, my makeup obsession continues.

I have not posted about my SC trip yet, but (spoiler alert!) I made my first trip to Ulta while there. Holy mercy. I'm hooked.

Right now, when you spend $17.50 on Ulta brand products, you get a 13-piece gift set (you can choose from warm, cool, or trendy).

I spent a little more than $17.50, but here is what I ordered from their site last week so I could get the gift set.



The lip stain (much lighter then it looks in the tube), the brown eye crayon and the nail file were what I needed to get to the $17.50. The other items (two lip crayons and the green eye crayon) were only $2.99, so they didn't count (only full price items do), but I really wanted them.The three samples off to the right were free with my order.

And here's my FREE gift set (I picked "trendy"):



Totally worth spending $17.50, am I right?

Included is the makeup bag, a lipstick, two eyeshadow quads, a 3-piece brush set, full size mascara, double ended eyeliner (brown and black), lip gloss, nail polish, blush and a moisturizer!

Now I am thinking I need the "warm" set, too... ;)

New posts coming soon!

But first, I wanted to let you all know that I started two new business ventures that I am really excited about, and started another blog to document them, though I am sure there will be some crossover here.

Please check out: http://goodlookinandgoodcookin.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

 I had a great trip to SC that I can't wait to post about really soon. <3

June 2012 Glossybox, July 2012 Birchbox, July 2012 MyGlam

So enough about depressing real-life stuff, let's talk about MAKEUP and other fun things.

I am way behind on reviewing my latest boxes (and August sneak peaks are probably just around the corner), so time to get on with it.

I will be the first to say I've went a little overboard on makeup lately. More on that later (maybe), but I am trying to get my retail therapy under control and just work on my REAL therapy. ;)

First up... My first (and probably last) Glossybox. This subscription box is pretty popular in other countries, but fairly new to the US. It's $21 a month (over twice the price of MyGlam and Birchbox), and the day after I signed up I had buyer's remorse and cancelled my subscription. However, my June box (which I technically got in July) was bought and paid for already, so I got it anyway. In addition to the price, horror stories about all the people being charged multiple times and having credit card fraud happening after signing up had a big hand in changing my mind. So, without further ado...

June 2012 Glossybox US

The packaging was lovely.



The products were ok...



There were two versions of this month's box, the other which had body wash and eyeshadow instead of the body creme and mascara. I think I would have preferred that one.

Products:

Beauty Addicts Show-OFF Mascara

They sez: This unique formula with argon (that's how they spelled it) oil will give your lashes an intense, dramatic look without clumps and smudges.

I sez: I was really disappointed to see this in my box, as I just got some new mascaras (not like they could have known this, I know). I gave it to a friend.

First Aid Beauty Smooth Shave Cream

They sez: Smooth shave cream is a gentle, non-irritating formula containing everything you need to obtain a close, long-lasting shave. Keep your legs looking smooth and sexy all summer long.

I sez: I do really like this product. I am the girl with cactus legs - I just can't get a close shave! But this did feel like it helped.

Kinerase Restructure Firming Cream

They sez: Erase the years from your face with elastin-strengthening technology that visibly transforms and contours your skin.

I sez: Been rubbing it into my forehead wrinkles (which showed up when my husband moved out) faithfully and I am not really seeing a difference.

Shea Terra Organics Ultimate Moisturizing Body Creme

They sez: This moisturizing cream for the whole body is made with 30% organic shea butter, leaving your skin smooth and soft.

I sez: The scent I received was white chocolate, and it smells so good! Even my dog thinks so, because he tries to lick it off of me whenever I use it (which is not that often, because too much dog tongue is gross). I have heard great things about their products and would like to try more of them.

Wella Professionals Enrich Moisturizing Treatment

They sez: Create free flowing hair with this lightweight treatment containing silk extract that instantly restores your mane.

I sez: This stated it was for fine to normal hair - my hair is neither of those things. Gave it to a friend, hope she is enjoying it.

Bonus item: a sample from "Perfume Organic" in the "Urban Organic" scent.

I sez: It was barely half full, which ticked me off right away, and it didn't sound appealing in the description or smell good in the vial. I did use it however, and it wasn't bad on. Pretty earthy, but not long-lasting.

So my opinion of Glossybox? Won't be going back anytime soon. I can put that $21 to better use!


Birchbox July 2012

They teamed up with Glamour Magazine for this box, which was a "five senses" box... at least one item for each sense.



They should really change their name to "Bitchbox", because really, all people do is bitch about it. I personally think that the value of most boxes is not equal, and they usually have 30-something different box combinations a month. However, their points system cannot be beat, I think their customer service is great, and overall I really enjoy it. This month was kind of a dud, but I am sticking with them anyway!



Yes, I opened this month's box on my bed, because the day it came I was puking like crazy, but since I knew it was arriving that day, I summoned the strength to get out to the mailbox. ;)

Products:

(Touch) Alterna Bamboo UV+ Color Protection Fade-Proof Fluide (yes, "fluide", not "fluid")

They sez: This finishing gloss prevents UV rays from fading color, while organic bamboo extracts keep hair strong and soft.

I sez: I waited to use this until last night, as it was my first hair washing after getting my hair freshly colored. My hair does feel super soft and was fairly smooth right away (usually takes a couple days for my hair to de-puff after washing).

(See) Jouer Luminizing Moisture Tint

Unfortunately, mine came damaged.



I emailed them about it, and they were out of samples, so they gave me 100 Birchbox points instead which is equal to $10, which is the full price of my box! I think that's more than fair.

They sez: This lightweight award-winner is our daily shortcut to dewy skin that feels natural and looks gorgeous.

I sez: Didn't use it since it was damaged, but I have a friend (co-worker and fellow Birchbox-er) who loves it so much she ordered the full size. And her skin always looks amazing so I'll take her word for it! As for Jouer, I LOVE their customer service and products and recently used my BB points and 20% discount (for subscribing for 3 months) to get their essential lip enhancer. That stuff is worth every penny and the best thing I have ever used for my chronically dry lips.

http://jouercosmetics.com/product/category-35/default.aspx

(Smell) Oscar de la Renta "Live in Love" perfume sample

They sez: This elegant floral layers notes of hyacinth and orchid over a rich base of sandalwood and cedar.

I sez: Smelled good, but I passed it on to a friend.

(See) Stila Lip Glaze

They sez: This sparkly gloss from the limited edition It's Go Time Lip Glaze Trio combines sheer color with mega-watt shine.

I sez: Another friend and Birchboxing co-worker REALLY was hoping for this in her box. I told her if she didn't get it and I did, I'd give it to her. I got it and she didn't, so I kept my word. Hope she is loving it! I'm trying to break away from the gloss stuff anyway and work my way over to more opaque lipsticks.

Lifestyle Extras

(Taste) Larabar

They sez: The latest edition to our snack drawer, these healthy and satisfying bars are packed with dried nuts and fruits.

I sez: I got hungry. I ate it. It was good.

(Hear) Birchbox Exclusive Earbuds

They sez: We designed these neon headphones just for you. Pair them with your best playlist.

I sez: I don't do neon or earbuds. Passed them on to a friend and NON-Birchboxing co-worker who is waiting to get off of their waitlist!



MyGlam July 2012

I have been a MyGlam subscriber for 3 months now and they just keep getting better. This month's bag was pretty darn great.



They did not write any blurbs about the products, so I can only tell you what "I sez" on these.

Products

The bag (You get one every month with your subscription)

I sez: It's cute, seems of good quality, no complaints.

Juice Beauty Green Apple SPF 15 moisturizer

I sez: This was an "or" item this month. Subscribers either got this or Kiehl's Ultra-facial Oil-Free Lotion. I was hoping for the Juice beauty, because I don't like oil-free. I am going to be 36 tomorrow, please load me up on the oiliest stuff you have! Haha. The Juice Beauty smells amazing (more citrus-y than green apple), but I don't like the way it goes on. It's hard to spread around, it's rather stiff, like heavy-duty sunscreen. That made me sad, but I don't hate it, and will use it for travel.

Nu.Me HydroPunch Hydrating Conditioner

I sez: As I mentioned before, I just got my hair freshly colored. I used this last night (it's safe for color-treated hair) and though the smell reminded me a little bit of bug spray (?!), I really enjoyed it and a little goes a long way, even in my long, thick hair. My hair feels great today!

Yes to Cucumbers on-the-go facial towelettes

I sez: Haven't used them yet, but am packing them for my little trip to SC this weekend! Don't even think of robbing my house, I DO have a housesitter.;)

Buxom Big & Healthy Lip Polish

I sez: This was another "or" item. Some people received a Josie Maran Lip and cheek stain instead. I am glad I got the gloss, because as I mentioned before - dry lips over here. I have never used Buxom gloss before. It tingles a bit, not sure if it's suposed to deliver "plumping action" or what. I could care less about that, though. I am just fine with filling my lips in with a neutral liner and applying this over it. It's pretty. I think the name of the color is "April".

Circus (By Andrea's Choice) Nail Color

I sez: I think they were giving away two colors this month, either white or yellow. I got the white. I would have been fine with either color, so no complaints here. I like it. Always fun to get nail polish!

This months winner? No contest! MyGlam kicked Birchbox's butt all over the place.



And just as a bonus (and proof that I have a makeup problem), I did buy a makeup "Mystery Bag" for $15 from Dermstore last month (products were promised to have value of around $115). I was really excited for actual makeup, like weird stuff I wouldn't normally buy for myself. That didn't eactly happen, but I did get some goodies (including two sunscreen samples that don't really count).



First up, a bronzer. I was going to consider using it for contouring (which I want to learn), but gave it away instead.

Next, an eyeshadow. It was a beautiful bronze-y brown, but I have many colors that are similar. Passed it on to a friend.

Third and fourth: A makeup bag (can never have too many of those, I use them to organize things by category) and a big ol' brush. Apparently the brush was valued at $50-60? It definitely feels high quality to me, I love it.

And last but not least, the product that changed my life (size received valued at $29): Skindinavia makeup finishing spray. It promises to hold your makeup on all day (excluding lip products, of course). A few spritzes of this and my eye makeup stays on ALL DAY (I am even wearing eyeshadow lately, people. Clap for me). I absolutely adore the stuff, use it daily, and I am in no danger of running out any time soon... so it's going to last me a while, yay!

Happy... what day is this? Wednesday!

A personal note.

I'm getting a divorce.

Those words are just as hard to type as they are to say out loud.

Maybe someday, when the pain is not quite so raw, I will go into a little more detail. Suffice it to say that nothing "major" happened. No cheating, nothing scandalous. Just little things that went unresolved and turned into big things. In the end (which apparently was last Sunday) he said he cannot focus on nursing school and our marriage at the same time, and this is what's best for him.

I'll be the first (and I guess the only) to say I DO NOT WANT THIS. We agreed from the beginning that divorce wasn't an option, as we had both been divorced previously. I never would have married him had I thought we'd end up here.

I don't know why some miserable-seeming marriages seem to go on forever and some (like this one) that just needs a little work have to end. We did counseling separately and together. I really wanted (and tried, I thought) to fix it.

At the end of the day, I can (and have to) live with it. I know that I wanted to fulfill my vows. I didn't want it to end. I know this is a mistake. But I also know that trying to change his mind with begging, guilt trips, or the like will not work. That will only cause further resentments on his part and great insecurity on mine as I wait for the bottom to drop out from under me yet again.

I know that he doesn't see what I see from where he is right now, but if he changes his mind, he knows where to find me.

In the meantime, good things are everywhere (excuse me while I count my blessings):

1. I am surrounded by mostly wonderful people who are supportive and understanding in the best possible way.

2. In addition to some great peeps, I have my job, my home, a reliable vehicle, 3 wonderful dogs and a roomful of books.

3. I have learned what NOT to say to people when they are going through a rough time.
a) "Time heals all wounds." (Yeah, it does. Mostly. But when someone is hurting RIGHT NOW, this sentence doesn't mean a damn thing.)
b) Any form of "get over it" or "move on". Would you say that to someone who just lost a child, spouse, or anyone to death? Because that's kind of what this is like. As it stands right now, things are arranged in such a way that I will never see Josh again. I don't have to attend court, his things will be picked up when I am not around, etc. It IS like a death. He is gone, and I am mourning. Oh, and if I do see him again, it's not going to be a joyful reunion at the Pearly Gates. It's going to be an accidental, unplanned run-in when I probably look my worst and he is probably beaming and happy with wife #3 on his arm.
c)"Someone better will come along." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I vowed to live my life with this one person. Forever. That's it. At no point in my marriage did I ever even think about even holding hands with someone else, so to think about "someone better coming along" really turns my stomach. I am not even close to thinking about opening my heart up to anyone (and risking this happening again? Yeah, right), and right now I am ok if I never get to that point. Again, maybe there is truth in those words, but they bring no comfort today.

If I have ever said any of those above things to a friend who was hurting, this is my public apology. But truthfully, people don't know any better until they are at that place themselves. The words that have truly been a balm for my wounds and bouyed my spirit have been things like "I am sorry this is happening", "I am praying for you", and "I love you." Simple words, no advice, just an acknowledgement and love. That helps more than anything, and those words can heal.

4. This book:



I bought it before Josh even moved out (in May), but didn't pick it up until last week. Boy am I glad I did. The best possible words when I need them most. I strongly encourage it to anyone of any faith who is going through a difficult time or just wants to change for the better (and face it, we all could use a little improving).

It's been 4 days since my life has changed so drastically (in the past few months there was always a faint glimmer of hope and no true finality), and I think I am doing ok. Two of those days I cried like a baby and two of those days I didn't. Every one of those days I have counted my blessings, given my thanks to the Lord above for what I do have, and found something to smile about. I am sad. I will probably be sad for a very long time, but I am not sad ALL the time, and I think that is saying something.

Now on to more posts about makeup and stuff.

xoxo

Is this what a midlife crisis looks like?

Who am I?

Well, lately, I am obsessed with change. Maybe it's my birthday coming up next month, when I'll be 36 (does that still make me mid-thirties, or push me over to late-thirties?)! Don't get me wrong. I don't mind my age in the least. I still feel 22 most days (once I stretch all the aches and pains out, haha), and the only thing I am bothered about is that I STILL don't have any kids. Yikes.

Anyway, back to what I was getting at - change. I want to change everything. My hair, my makeup, my clothes (my 'look', if you will) and I even want to redecorate the house. It's crazy. One thing I am fixated on right now is finding the PERFECT red lipstick. At the bottom of this post are some I tried yesterday and today ("Sarah" and "Simone" by Jouer - amazing customer service!!!):

I also will be getting some stuff from e.l.f. cosmetics soon. Their stuff is very inexpensive and it's a great way to experiment with my look. I need color on my face!!!! I am even going to try some fake eyelashes!


Also, I went to CVS on my lunch break
yesterday and somehow ended up with Maybelline BB cream, some shampoo and conditioner samples (made my hair very soft, btw) and my first issue of Vogue magazine since the mid 90's.

"Who am I?", indeed.

PS This is my first time doing this from my phone, hope it looks ok!

Birchbox and MyGlam June 2012!!

I was so excited when I got home from work yesterday, because these were waiting for me!!




My "beauty routine" (if you can even call it that), is quite stale and very low maintence. It usually consists of moisturizer, mascara (I have yet to find one that blows me away), eyeliner (black, brown, grey or khaki), a neutral colored lipliner (look, I miss the 90s and the dark, visible lipliner of that decade and the early 2000s. Be happy I switched to a neutral!), and some sort of gloss. That's it. I'm horrible at eyeshadow, I flush easily so I rarely use blush (when I do, it's benetint), and I don't like foundation.

HOWEVER, lately I am longing for a change. I want to find the perfect red lipstick. I want to put color on my eyes once in a while. I want to learn countouring and all that. These beauty boxes have arrived at just the right time in my life! I am hoping that they will introduce me to stuff I can't live without. So without further ado... Here's what I got this month!


Birchbox:



Comodynes- Self-Tanning Intensive (2 self-tanning wipes)

Birchbox sez: Who needs the sun when you can get a safe, buildable, and natural-looking tan with these bestselling Eurpoean towelettes?

I sez: I am pale as a ghost and have never used self-tanner. That's not to say I wouldn't want to try them. I'm just afraid! I have brought them to work and they are up for trade with my other Birchboxing co-workers, but if they don't want them, I will probably use them at some point.

Eyeko - Fat Eye Stick (full size!)

Birchbox sez: A Birchbox exclusive, this UK brand's too-cool shadow stick combines creamy color and long lasting wear.

I sez: I'm in love. I didn't know what color they'd send me, figured it would be black and I'd put it up for trade since I have PLENTY of black eyeliner. But they sent me the color "Old Gold" which I love! I am wearing it today and I just love it SO SO SO much. It reminds me of a limited edition eyeliner Mary Kay had a couple years ago called "Tahitian Gold" that I am currently hoarding (almost two left out of four... it looks so great over black liner). I love this and I will buy it again when this one runs out.

Likewise -Facial moisturizer + sun protectant SPF normal to oily

Birchbox sez: Get sun savvy with this zinc-infused cream. It acts like a hydrating toner to mattify skin while deflecting UV rays.

I sez: Yawn. Next. Nothing special.

theBalm cosmetics - Stainiac in Beauty Queen

Birchbox Sez: We're crazy about this two-in-one lip and cheek stain: the sheer gel formula delivers a subtle, long-wearing flush.

I sez: Love! Similar to Benetint, though I think this is a little more potent. Dare I even say I prefer it to the Benetint!

Tili Bag (Lifestyle extra)

Birchbox sez: Breeze through airport security with these too-cute plastic bags. They're perfectly sized for storing all your travel essentials (and beauty samples).

I sez: This is basically a heavy-duty ziploc bag with a cute print on it. I'm not saying it isn't cute, it is! But one of my friends really likes these, so I'll probably just give it to her and she'll probably use it. I've got enough darn bags and that is the troof-troof.


John Varvatos - Star USA Men's Cologne Sample (Birchbox Man Extra)

Birchbox sez: In honor of Father's Day, we've included this dapper cologne, a blend of Ginger, juniper, berries and vetiver. Pass it on to a lucky guy friend or family member.

I sez: I haven't even opened it up to smell it yet. It's probably just going to go to Josh.

MyGlam:




First up, the bag... every month, they send a new one. I think this one is cute. I read other reviews that the bag smelled like dead shrimp and the glitter flaked all over the place. While the bag does smell, I didn't notice any glitter shedding. I do think it's cute. If I don't get any use out of it, it will just go with my next round of Goodwill donations. However, I am planning to organize my makeup a little better, so I may end up using it... if the smell goes away!

Philosophy - Take a Deep Breath oil-free energizing oxygen gel cream moisturizer

MyGlam sez: This lightweight moisturizer detoxifies and helps protect for a healthy-looking glow.

I sez: I put a little on, and I loved the way it made my skin feel. Kind of... tingly and alive? However, my skin is at the age that it prefers a little bit heavier moisturizers. So I will probably trade this out to a friend. One already claimed it, I think!

NYX Round Lipstick in "Saturn"

MyGlam sez: Incredible color that resists wear and smudging, let your lipstick last all night with an amazing velvety-smoth, mineral formula.

I sez: I was really hoping for a red or orangey-coral color. This is just the color of my natural lips and I have plenty of neutrals. Trade.

Living Proof - frizz Nourishing Styling Cream

MyGlam sez: Stops frizz in it's tracks, keeping all styles frizz-free, soft and smooth. Living Proof's miracle molecule, OFPMA, conquers frizz by blocking humidity without silicone or heavy oils.

I sez: My hair is always a challenge, and always frizz-city, so I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this! The size they sent is 2 oz., which is enough to last me a while!

Marbella - Permanent Eyeliner Pen

MyGlam sez: Master the art of beautiful eyes with this unique, waterproof, smudge free, and long-lasting semi permanent eyeliner pen.

I sez: I read a lot of reviews by people saying the "semi-permanent" nature of this eyeliner made it impossible to remove. It's felt-tipped, like a marker, which would be great if I knew how to be precise when it came to drawing on my eyeliner. I will say I had no problems getting it off with just a washcloth and water when I tried it on last night. However, I have plenty of black eyeliner already, and the applicator is just not right for my skills at this time.

So... who won this month? While I loved getting two full-sized products from MyGlam, they just weren't right for me. Not to say I didn't appreciate them, because I did, and overall I think it was a really great bag this month from them! But Birchbox wins yet again. I LOVE the eyestick and the stain. I was hoping these sample programs would introduce me to new products that work for me and I can't live without. So far, it's working! Last month was the Kiehl's moisturizer (which I WILL purchase in full size one of these days), and this month the eyestick in the PERFECT color and the stainiac which I love more than the Benetint (and it costs less, too)!

I will probably only do MyGlam for one more month (unless they somehow manage to blow me away) and I will keep Birchbox for at least two more months to keep accumulating points toward my Kiehl's moisturizer!